How I Fucked Up (This Time) And What You Can Do To Avoid Being This Stupid

  

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

I really, really, really fucked up. Like big time fucked up. Like how could anybody be this fucking stupid fucked up.

I'm so angry at myself. I didn't see the email requesting corrections to my story that was accepted for a charity anthology. Consequently, it wasn't included. Well, abra-ca-fucking-duh.

I just feel like such a stupid piece of worthless shit right now. I know that from the outside looking in this probably seems like a "get over yourself" kind of thing and a "you brought this on yourself so suck it up" kind of thing, but I'm so sick and tired of my anxiety and ADHD fucking up my life this way.

Here's what I did that I probably should have done a long time ago.

I created a Proton Mail account because part of the problem is my personal account is so damn cluttered. Not to make excuses for myself, because I should have been checking. Damn it all and fuck me sideways. 

I told the people at Grinning Skull Press that they could use the story in a future anthology if they want. I suppose I'll self-publish it. 

In the meantime, I wish there was something I could throw myself off of. Story of my life, fucking perpetual fuck-up. It's my own fault, there's really no excuse.

Stupid, stupid, stupid. I'm going to be kicking myself all day. I'd sacrifice myself to something, but nothing would want to eat anything this stupid for fear that it was catching.

I was just so proud to be selected for that anthology and then I went and fucked it all up because that is what I do. 

I'm starting to understand my anxiety and ADHD a little better, but even that makes me mad because it took me more than half a century to get to this point. Always a damn day late and a dollar short, me.

No, I am not about to take medication to try and short-circuit the ADHD. Psych meds (and it is a psych med because it affects brain activity) and me don't get along. What would have been nice is to have someone along the way help me understand my ADHD and develop strategies for living with it rather than filling me with self-loathing and anxiety. 

Somehow, all of the times people called me a flake and a fuckup didn't do anything to help me become less flakey or fucked-up. How 'bout that? What a surprise!

I really fucking hate myself right now. 

I've spent my entire life wondering why I have to be this and hating everyone who told me to just stop being this. Nobody would be this by choice.

Sometimes when people appear to be flakey or uncaring or uncourteous, they are actually struggling. Like me, they may be wrestling with ADHD or anxiety, or both. I'm sure it's frustrating to deal with, but slinging insults isn't the answer and is probably doing more harm than good.

Have a good day. I'm sure I won't.

The one thing I can accomplish consistently