Undead Unmasked
Ironing Out the Kinks
As Little John the Cockney ghoul and Yitzy the great
snail-footed, two-headed extraterrestrial listened to Ketil the ghost tell his
tale at the sumptuous table set out for them by Nyarlathotep, the infamous Organizer
of the Outer Gods, Little John suddenly leapt to his feet, dropping the femur
from which he had been feasting with a thud upon the table.
“Crikey, Lads, we need to bugger off quick sticks!” the
stout ghoul insisted. “I just remembered the secret ingredient for me
granddad’s Christmas cookie recipe!”
“And this was reason to break the table?” Ketil inquired. “I
always enjoyed a draught of the mulled wine that my paternal grandmother made
for the winter festivities, but you do not see me wrecking the furniture when I
recall that it contained a hint of quince.”
“That's 'cause, Ketil, ya Daffy Dahn Dilly spook, quince is
a common ingredient on Earf. Me granddad's cookies contained essence of the
bloomin' peels from the Chuffin' apples of Yuggof.”
“Splendid. So, I suppose we’re off to Yuggoth, then,” Yitzy
surmised, raising his pincers to begin creating a gate.
“Not so fast, Yitzy, old Currant Bun. Clock this. Ter create
the chuffin' essence from the bloomin' peels is a very time-consumin' process.
'Owever, I kna where we can get a Randolph Scott of the finished essence.”
“I am all for having a Randolph Scott of the finished
essence, or at least I would be if I knew why the bloody fuck we needed one,”
Ketil sighed. “Please do enlighten me, John.”
“Why, ter make the cookies, of course, Ketil,” Little John
said, looking at Ketil as if he wondered how someone so intelligent could be so
dense.
“I realize that it is a key ingredient in making the
cookies. What good will it do us to make these wondrous cookies?”
“Ketil old chap, chicken pen ya eat these cookies, they
activate yer third mince pie ter take just the bleedin' wite paf through the
bloomin' Netherworld and the chuffin’ Dreamlands ter reach your Sausage Roll.
so, we ought ter be able ter find Robin and Rilpu and the wizard wif that
blasted Brenda Lee!”
“I agree that this is a splendid idea, John. However, I have
one question. Why did you not mention these cookies before?”
“Ter be quite 'onest wif ya, China Plate, I’d forgotten aw
abaht 'em until I spotted that apple from Yuggof there in the fruit bowl. It's
amazin' 'a many things ya can forget in the space of a century.”
Arguments in the Dark
“Fair enough. Now, I hope you’re going to tell me that you
know a place where we can obtain this Essence of Yuggoth Apples quickly and
painlessly.”
“'Eaven and 'ell, it will be quick and painless in the
bloomin' buff, as long as we daan't get caught. That wouldn't normally be a
problem for ya, I suppose, seein’ as yer a pillar and post and all, but we'll
be dealin' wif those as kna eldritch magic. 'Opefully, we can get in and aahhht
quick sticks. I'm in a bit of a quandary as ter wot ter do wif Yitzy, though. I
daan't wanna leef 'im 'ere Jack Jones, but let's Chevy Chase it, aahhht of aw
of us, 'e's the easiest wahn ter Randolph.”
“We are not leaving anyone in this place alone, and on this
point, I will not be swayed,” Ketil insisted. “And what of you, Sir Ghoul? I am
invisible to most living beings. You, on the other hand, are an Undead canid
humanoid which smells like an open casket in the time before embalming was the
norm. Do you think your state will not be a bit of an attention-grabber?”
“Not if I’m workin' behind the chuffin' scenes. Anyway, I
found this clever gold mask wif which ter Duck and Dive me 'andsome yet
ghoulish features. Also, I’ve a diamond idea. If we're spotted, Yitzy can
pretend ter be a statue.”
“John, I don’t know when I’ve heard a stupider idea. I
believe it was Dean Winchester what said, ‘of all the lame-ass ideas you’ve
had, this has to be the lameassiest.’ In any case, this is a terrible idea. I,
on the other hand, have a sensible idea. Yitzy can have a visit with Fortune on
Uranus.”
“I would like to go with you to retrieve the Apple of
Yuggoth essence,” Yitzy protested. “I possess the Interdimensional Carrying
Satchel and will place it in there for safekeeping.”
“Yah, and if you are caught, the fuckwits shall remove the
satchel from your possession, and then we will not only need to retrieve the
Essence of Yuggoth Apple but the satchel. I believe you have been too long in
the presence of impulsive fuckwits such as Robin, John, and myself. You and
Fortune possess two of the greatest intellects in the Universe and have a
companionable bond. I argue that we should contact Fortune forthwith and you
will go for a visit with him while John and I fetch the Essence. Where is it
that we are going anyway, John?”
“Well, Guv, we’re gonna be headin’ fer the pantry of Anant
Mantovani.”
“That pompous cooking show arsehole? I have no tolerance for
either him or his cooking. In fairness, I have never tasted his cooking, but my
distaste for him leads me to believe that could only give me indigestion. How
the fuck does that twat have in his possession Essence of Yuggoth Apple? Does
he even know what purpose it serves?”
“Mate, Anant Mantovani is more than just a rich tosser with
a cooking show. I don’t know if either of these names mean anything ter you,
but ‘e’s the son of Jadhav Mantovani and Edna Anthony, both of whom ‘ave some
renown in occult as well as culinary circles. Anant Mantovani ain't gonna bat
an mince pie at seein' a ghoul workin' 'round 'is mansion, but 'e might
recognize me. I took the bloomin' piss aahhht of 'im on wahn occasion, and 'e's
the sort ter 'old a grudge.”
Dangling Dreamers
“Well, John, I should certainly enjoy hearing the tale of
how you put the claimant to Talos Crystals in his place,” Ketil mused.
“However, now is not the time. We need to spring into action. However, before
doing so, I say that we should all take a trip to visit Fortune and request that
he spill his advice upon us regarding this unfolding drama rather than behaving
as our usual obstinate, spontaneous selves. This may prevent embarrassing
moments from transpiring.”
“I think that’s a right smashing idear, Ketil,” Little John
agreed. “Just one wee quibble. I believe that the word yer seekin’ in this
particular instance is ‘bestow’ rather than ‘spill.’”
“Whatever, it matters not,” Ketil declared with a swish of
his hand. “Let us be off to visit our feline friend who dwells beneath the
surface of the ice giant whose name causes Beavis and Butthead to quiver with
mirth.”
“Will we be meeting this Beavis and Butthead, Ketil?” Yitzy
inquired.
“They do sound loike merry chaps,” Little John agreed.
“You could say so,” Ketil stated. “However, now is not the
time to dive into the murky depths of the sea of pop culture references. To do
so would only garble our intent. We must cast our sights on the Uranian
lighthouse of Fortune to proceed in our quest to bestow the correct crumble
upon the sacred cookie recipe of John’s grand-sire.”
“Does Fortune ‘ave a lighthouse?” Little John inquired. “I
don’t recall seein’ one last time we visited his ‘ome.”
“This is a metaphor, John. I sometimes am filled with a sort
of existential terror when I realize that I am the least out-of-touch member of
our motley crew, and I have been in spirit for twenty-three Earth years.”
“Well, I do know about Mötley Crüe,” Little John retorted. “Bloody
good band, them! Rob and I slipped into a few of their shows over the bleedin'
Donkey's Ears. Sometimes we even went backstage, although that tended ter be a
bit debauched for me likin'. I'm afraid we scared the bloomin' wits aahhht of
that chap Nikki back chicken pen 'e was shootin' the smack, as they say. Poor
geezer was quite confused. 'E thought that Rob was a goblin, and I was an ogre.
We 'elped 'im Frank Bough ter 'is 'otel va va voom before 'e 'ad a chance ter
encounter any actual goblins or ogres.”
“Well, there you see, you are the hero the Universe needs. You
first save Nikki Sixx, then the entire Cosmos. Come along, let us stop chewing
the fat and get to work. Yitzy, if you would be so kind as to open a gate to
Fortune’s chambers, that would be splendid.”
“Speakin’ of chewin’ the fat, I’d best grab a chunk of this
superbly cured borra and beg fer the road,” Little John declared. “Wouldn’t
want it to go to waste, after all.”
“In moments like this I am terribly pleased that I am a
ghost and not a ghoul,” Ketil observed.
Feline Good
As Little John, Ketil, and Yitzy emerged from an arc of cool
blue light into Fortune’s crystalline chamber, the exuberant ghoul ran to
embrace the Cat from Uranus.
“Fortune, old Currant Bun!” Little John greeted. “It’s
always a treasure finer’n pearls ter visit you in yer hogamadog!”
“My friends, I am very pleased to see you,” Fortune replied.
“But where is Robin?”
“There is no perfect answer to this query,” Ketil responded.
“For all we know, he decided to swim to the moon as winter whispers on the
fumes of a wickless candle. For although we advised him against it, poor Robin
did surrender to the charms of a phantom appearing to be his long-lost love,
Betsy. That he would say yes to one he had loved since 1878 comes as no
surprise. Despite my reputation, I am not the sort of fellow to discourage such
a reunion. However, the type of things oft found within the walls of the House
of Lost Dreams leads me to believe that it may not have been Betsy leading
Robin down the ever-changing corridors of that blasted property.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Fortune demanded. “Surely you must
know that I would have immediately agreed to assist you in your search!”
“Yah, there is no need for a tirrivee,” Ketil countered. “It
was quite a muddle taking place in that funhouse. Granted, we ought to have
been more prompt, but during our search for Robin and Rilpu, we stumbled upon a
splendid feast laid out for us by Nyarlathotep and felt it wise to sit and sup
while we assessed the situation. Well, as I was sampling various non-rotting
tidbits and Yitzy was imbibing in a goblet of violet vapor, Little John
suddenly ceased his snacking on a putrefying femur and near to cracked the
table in two in his exuberance to tell us that he had remembered the recipe for
his grandsire’s Christmas cookies.”
“My friends, while I intend to assist you, I must confess
that I am terribly befuddled,” the Cat from Uranus admitted, his red eyes wide
and a puzzled expression on his face. “I would say that we should start at the beginning,
but I believe that if we are to have half a hope of rescuing Robin and your new
companion Rilpu, we do not have time for that. Thus, I would like each of you
to tell me a particular little piece of information that you believe to be
vital to the success of our mission. John, you go first.”
“Well, this is a mistake,” Ketil quipped.
Noting John’s glare, the snarky spectre put up his hands as
if in surrender.
“But who am I to question the wisdom of a telepathic cat
from Uranus?” he inquired. “Fortune must have reason for selecting you first.
That said, go, Johnny, go. But do try to be brief.”
“I never 'ad any ovver plan. Wite, guv, the bloomin' reason
I wanna collect the chuffin' essence of Yuggof apple from the bleedin' studio
venue of Anant Mantovani is so we can make me granddad's special recipe for
telepathic trackin' cookies. Once we've snacked on the cookies, we can find Rob
and Rilpu and that blasted wizard wif the bloody silver Brenda Lee.”
Casual Injustice
“Wonderful! Now I have a clear understanding of our mission!”
Fortune declared. “Ketil, have you any useful information to add?”
“Only that Anant Mantovani is a crazed cultist and not a
mere prat with access to rare and exotic culinary enhancers from outside the
Earthly realm,” Ketil explained. “It is our belief that he may have erected mystical
barriers in his ostentatious chef’s chateau in the Swiss Alps. We hoped that
you might be able to help us identify and circumvent these barriers.”
“It will be my pleasure. Yitzy, will you share your
thoughts?”
“I wish to express my displeasure that this pair thought to
leave me here in your care as if I were a newly hatched larva,” the towering
conical extraterrestrial stated. “I must say that I believe that my contributions
to this point have been valuable. I am a trained scientific expert many eons
their senior. I do not require a nursery attendant.”
“Yitzy, old fellow, I apologize most sincere-like fer
insulting you,” Little John demurred. “It ain't that I fin' ya can't 'andle
yourself. It's just that you're a towerin' specimen of otherworldly splendor,
and it would be quite difficult ter disguise ya. It ain't loike me 'oo can just
put on a mask, or Ketil 'oo can fade into the bloomin' background, ya kna.”
“Understood. However, it is my belief that I will be more
useful to you on-site than remaining beneath the surface of Uranus. Fortune,
what are your thoughts?”
“As it happens, I agree with all of you,” Fortune explained.
“There are mystical barriers as Ketil suggests, but together we will pinpoint their
weak areas. Yitzy and I will accompany you. I can create a glamor hiding our true
appearances, but we must all do our best to blend into the background, as an
adept will be able to see through our disguises. Let us consult the scrying mirror
to assess Chef Mantovani’s chateau.”
Fortune poured a dram of heliotrope liquid into a shallow
bowl made of teal crystal. He added a small scoop of Uranian blue powder and
two white stones, then stirred the lot with a clear crystalline wand while
chanting.
A frozen mist rose from the bowl and the group beheld Anant
Mantovani’s splendid base of operations.
“Bli-mey!” Little John declared. “That ain’t no mere
chateau, it’s a bleedin’ palace!”
“More of a fortress,” Ketil surmised. “Chef Prat needs a
place to stow his soldiers, adepts, and groupies. The man is a twat, but his
troops are a force to be reckoned with. I suggest that we do our utmost to swoop
in and out as shadows in the night and not engage anyone. John, you know the
value of this Essence of Yuggoth Apple better than I do. How well is it likely
to be guarded, and do you surmise that we’ll find it among his spice collection
or in his mystical supplies?”
“I reckon it's pretty 'eaven and 'ell guarded,” Little John
replied. “Last I 'eard, a gram of the bloomin' stuff sold for free million Bin
Lid, and that was Hammer and Tack in 1918. In fact, I was due ter get a Robin
Hood payoff for pilferin' a portion for Granddad, but the influenza struck me
daahhhn, and I was undead a Bubble and Squeak mashed potato.”
“Yes, it’s quite a nuisance when that happens,” Ketil
commiserated. “Well, now we the Undead must pilfer a bit of the Essence of Yuggoth
Apple for our noble cause. The more things change, the more they stay the same.”
Acknowledgments
Beavis and Butthead are the creations of Mike Judge for the eponymous
television program.
Dean Winchester is a character created by Eric Kripke for
the American television program “Supernatural.”
The Cat from Uranus is a creature created by Sandy Petersen
for the Call of Cthulhu RPG. The character Fortune is the intellectual property
of Naughty Netherworld Press.
https://petersengames.com/cthulhu-mythos/
Thanks to the Lovecraft Bestiary for helpful stats for the
Cat from Uranus.
https://forum.rpg.net/index.php?threads/5e-lovecraftian-bestiary.738564/page-6
The Great Race of Yith is the creation of H.P. Lovecraft,
initially appearing in his story “The Shadow Out of Time.” Yitzy is the intellectual
property of Naughty Netherworld Press.
Nyarlathotep is the creation of H.P. Lovecraft, initially
appearing in his 1920 story of the same name.
In his book “The Heroin Diaries,” Nikki Sixx refers to
disturbing hallucinations that he experienced while addicted to heroin.
Prompts Used
*The Daily Spur: Spring
https://thedailyspur.wordpress.com/2020/12/06/spring/
*The Daily Spur: Prompt
https://thedailyspur.wordpress.com/2020/12/07/prompt/
*Fandango’s One Word Challenge: Body
https://fivedotoh.com/2020/12/07/fowc-with-fandango-body/
*Fandango’s One Word Challenge: Fumes
https://fivedotoh.com/2020/12/08/fowc-with-fandango-fumes/
*Go Dog Go Café Tuesday Writing Prompt Challenge: As Winter
Whispers
https://godoggocafe.com/2020/12/08/tuesday-writing-prompt-challenge-december-8-2020/
Mindlovemisery’s Menagerie: Tale Weaver: Barriers
https://mindlovemiserysmenagerie.wordpress.com/2020/12/03/tale-weaver-304-barriers-december-3rd/
Mindlovemisery’s Menagerie: Wordle #217
https://mindlovemiserysmenagerie.wordpress.com/2020/11/30/wordle-217-2/
Ice
Spill
Bestow
Obstinate
Crumble
Lighthouse
Murky
Garble
Drama
Print
Quiver
Surrender
Mindlovemisery’s Menagerie Wordle #218
https://mindlovemiserysmenagerie.wordpress.com/2020/12/07/wordle-218-2/
Yes
Walls
Rhythm
Swim
Doom
scrolling- the practice of obsessively checking online news for updates,
especially on social media feeds, with the expectation that the news will be
bad, such that the feeling of dread from this negative expectation fuels a
compulsion to continue looking for updates in a self-perpetuating cycle.
Clump
Outside
Type
Tirrivee-
tantrum
Perfect
Answer
Down
October Spooky Writing Challenge: Undead
https://thewritershandbook.tumblr.com/post/630699213481705472/this-years-october-spooky-writing-challenge-is
Putting my Feet in the Dirt
http://puttingmyfeetinthedirt.com
Ironing out the Kinks
Arguments in the Dark
Casual Injustice
Dangling Dreamers
Feline Good
*Ragtag Daily Prompt: Swish
https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2020/12/07/rdp-monday-test-post/
*Ragtag Daily Prompt: Pearl
https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2020/12/08/rdp-monday-pearl/
Submitted to the Reedsy Prompts challenge on 9 December 2020
for the Write about someone trying to recreate a grandparent’s signature baked
good from memory prompt.
https://blog.reedsy.com/creative-writing-prompts/
Three Things Challenge: Venue, nothing, often
https://pensitivity101.wordpress.com/2020/12/08/three-things-challenge-441/
V.J.’s Challenge: Embarrassing Moments
https://onewomansquest.org/2020/12/07/vjs-weekly-challenge-124-embarrassing-moments/
WEP Writing Challenge for December: Unmasked
http://writeeditpublishnow.blogspot.com
*Word of the Day Challenge: Spontaneous
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2020/12/07/spontaneous-2/
*Word of the Day Challenge: Hogamadog
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2020/12/08/hogamadog/
Words for Wednesday
https://myjustsostory.blogspot.com/2020/12/words-for-wednesday_9.html
Bent
Icon
Never
Quiet
Half
Hope
Other
Mean
Particular
Little
Life
Anthem
Yeah Write Week 504: Why didn’t you tell me?
https://yeahwrite.me/weekly-writing-challenge-kickoff-504/
The Key of Eidolon is the second book in the Tales from the Dreamlands series. The first book in the series is available on Kindle and LBRY.
Buy the Kindle version of Ketil and Yitzy's Adventure in the Xura Dream House for $3.99 https://bit.ly/KetilandYitzyAz
Buy the PDF version from LBRY for 75 LBC (approximately $2.25)
https://bit.ly/KetilandYitzyLBRY
LBRY is a decentralized content marketplace. I price the PDF versions of my work at approximately half of the Kindle price because I receive the entire amount rather than a royalty percentage.
You can get a free LBRY account through this link. You can earn LBC for viewing content on LBRY as well as from selling your content.
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For weird and wonderful stories Netherworld style, slide on over to the official Naughty Netherworld Press channel.
For a unique poetic experience, take a break in LBRY's finest poetry tea room.
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For more information about getting the best from Naughty Netherworld Press, follow this link:
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The Icky, Sticky, Nit-Picky Legalese If You Please (Or Don't Please)
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Thank you - and good luck with your Disability Claim.
ReplyDeleteSorry my "gift" sucked. Count gift-giving among the things that I suck at.
ReplyDeleteLet's face it--I suck.
Thanks for the free excerpt from your WIP. These days very little sells without a lot of money pumped into promotion. There's just too much competition out there. You're a very good writer, but these days writing is a business, a very competitive business. I hope you get your disability claim and continue to write.
ReplyDeleteAll the very best Christmas wishes. Thanks for bearing with the WEP team through the ups and downs of 2020.
What a bizarrely quirky story. It made me smile.
ReplyDeleteI hope you get your disability.
Fun and complicated entry. Nice pop-cultural references. Thanks for sharing it. I aggree, it is hard to create when you're unsure others are interested. Hope your claim turns out better than you expect.
ReplyDeleteNo you don't! Your gift was lovely but at this stage people are just overwhelmed! Trying to pull off a 'merry' anything is asking a lot for so many. Unemployment, hunger, ILLNESS, it's taking it's toll everywhere.
ReplyDeleteI hope your lawyer can turn things around for you!
But don't give up on writing. I say that as I too have considered it seriously. I read the reviews and just get so down. I'm not selling books either. I put some of them up for free, but that invites lousy 1 star reviews because people who wouldn't normally read it get it only because it's free. Then they post their 1 or 2 star reviews even if they don't read the entire story. Anyway, I do know how you feel!
If you try to keep the faith, so will I!!
Take care!
This reminded me of both Alice in Wonderland and the Wizard of Oz I haven't the faintest clue why! :)
ReplyDeleteBest of luck with the claim and the best of the season to you!
Good luck with your claim. I hope you continue writing. It can be a struggle for all of us.
ReplyDeleteThank you for taking part and sharing your writing with us all! Your writing is clever and your story is intriguing.